Not Another
by Snowbear
Summary: What happens when complications DO occur during a Companion's birth? What happens if that Companion... dies?


Not Another

_It's not fair, _I thought desperately, _Just not fair. Not right._

I stared at the glowing horizon, and the stars slowly winking out- like the stars in Jerramine's eyes. The day was going to be beautiful. High summer, peaceful times, festivals erupting spontaneously in the streets. My thoughts were bitter. _How can they celebrate when Jerramine is dead? _

Tears leaked from my eyes and I gasped, trying to blink them back, covering my eyes and not looking at the Companion's Stable behind me. _Twelve years- and this is how it ends? Havens- it's NOT fair!_ I sank to my knees in the soft, lush grass, the dew crawling through my breeches, cold and wet against my skin. A slight breeze rustled consolingly in the tree nearby and I lurched back to my feet, glaring angrily at it. Consolation was not what I needed! I needed _justice_!

I cursed under my breath and punched the wood fence, sending a few splinters digging into my knuckles, which only made me angrier and this time I swore loudly.

"Sir?"

I turned around. A trainee in grays stood there, looking nervous and uncomfortable.

"Go away," I hissed under my breath.

"Sir"- he tried again, fidgeting.

"I said _go away_," I growled, and the look in my eyes sent him scampering.

And then all the anger rushed out of me and I fell back to the ground, my hands pressing up against the wet grass as I gasped for breath, tears streaming from my eyes and my body wracked with uncontrollable sobs. In my mind's eye I saw the thin, long legged Companion mare cantering through the Companion's Field, still alive, still strong and wonderful.

_:Donovan:_ I could just imagine her saying, _:Don- don't worry. It'll be all right.:_

But it wouldn't. I felt like half my heart had been ripped out and torn away from me, forever and without replacement. I felt like a sailor stranded on a piece of driftwood, away from the life boats and rescuers, unable to call for help.

It happened so quickly- _too quickly_. I fell all the way onto the ground, salty tears holding back my view of the lightening sky. My chest ached from the sobs tearing through my body. One day it had been a joy lighting our lives- the pregnancy of my Companion. It had been the moon in the night, lighting our ways as we wandered on our last short Circuit before being confined back at the Collegium before birth. It had been a thing to dream of- little blue eyed foals dancing through our thoughts, high pitched nickers and milk coated whiskers.

I myself would never have children- for sexual preference reasons, but with Jerri's pregnancy, I felt almost like I'd be a father too. I had never expected, even with past troubles in births, that Jerri would _die_. No body thought it, she never would have gotten pregnant if she thought she'd die.

And now, the very thing that had been a hope and a joy and an excitement betrayed us, turned against us in a murderous fashion. Three stars blinked out at once above me and I lay quietly, too tired from crying to even whimper, as tears kept crawling from my eyes, coating my face in salt and liquid.

_Why?_ I asked the heavens, _Why her? Why me? That is not a Companion's death._

Jerramine… she had so much life left to live, so much adventures for the two of us to have together! A Companion was supposed to die either old and decrepit, with vast amounts of age behind her and her great grandchildren skipping around her, or in the heat of battle, with arrows flying around her as she and I saved someone's life- saved _Valdemar_. They were not supposed to die from their life's joy.

In that foal I had seen the children I myself would never have- bright eyed babies wrapped in swaddling clothes, spit drooling over their smiling lips. But not Jerramine was dead, and none of it mattered anymore. _None of it_.

A bird chirped somewhere in the distance, joyfully announcing the coming day, his sexual prowess, and proclaiming that this tree was _his_. A few more joined him, and some more stars winked out. I saw Jerramine's deep blue eyes, as the light, the spark, the wonder in them faded and her head sank onto the straw, lifeless.

_Day comes_, I thought_, Like death._ _Like death._ _I cannot live_.

I rolled up into a ball, hugging myself and wondering if I should kill myself. Or was that too selfish? Should I stay alive, hope to be Chosen again, and continue serving Valdemar. But the very thought of another Companion, a stranger, not Jerramine, wrapped a cold hand around my heart. I could not imagine loving another. I had done what I could for Valdemar- she no longer needed me and Jerri waited in the Havens, her long silky mane gently swishing against her neck, curling in the wind, pressing up against my cheek.

I let out a low whimper and closed my eyes tightly, ignoring a bug crawling up my back from the grass, curious by this large white being. Never again would I feel her soft nose pressing up against me, hear her laughing mindvoice, see her ears twitch in surprise as I pulled an ace from out under her nose, when she probably already knew I'd do that. I'd never hear her hooves chime on cobblestones, faint and musical but just adding to the magic. Never again would we gallop down open stretches of road, letting the wind push away everything… Never again.

I started sobbing again, and faintly I sensed the Heraldic Trainee standing nearby once more, afraid to interrupt, but wanting to speak. Well, he could wait. He still had _his_ Companion, alive, strong, and healthy out in the Field, watching over him with wise blue eyes. _He_ still had his entire life laid out before him.

"Damn it!" I screamed into the dirt, "Why her? Why Jerramine!"

Then I moaned and stumbled to my feet to drape myself against the fence to the Field and I whispered to the moon, drifting near the horizon, "Jerramine…"

"Jerramine!" I called out forlornly, knowing I'd hear no answering whinny, no cheerful beat of hooves on dirt, no waving tail.

But there was an answer. High pitched and determined, I hear a whinny. It was not Jerramine, but it stirred something deep inside me. I turned, gazing through blurry eyes as a stick thin form, damp and clumsy, appeared in the doorway into the Stable, his stance proud. His blue eyes stared right at me, and his knobby knees shook from the effort. Of course- he had no mother's milk to nourish him.

I looked down, tears choking my vision once more. _Jerramine never saw him. She never saw this beautiful creature she created in her womb. She never heard that beautiful whinny of his, nor saw his flicking ears. He looks just like your Jerramine_.

_:Donovan:_ I heard a light and powerful and almost feminine, yet definitely male voice in my mind; it called to my heart and wound around deep.

I looked up, and for a moment I did not see a tiny, sickly foal gazing at me with little blue sparkling eyes. I saw a stallion, large and powerful, his neck curved gracefully, a long mane hanging over his eyes that glowed blue from beneath the white. I stumbled towards him, and his gaze met mine.

_:Donovan:_ he said, _:I Chose you. Or will… someday. But you must live to see it. Wait for me.:_

Then only the colt was standing there, shaking and tired, heaving breath through wide nostrils into tiny lungs, each gasp shaking his entire frame, that seemed as if it was only loosely held together and could fall apart any moment. The sun suddenly hit my eyes, it's light burning into my retinas and I was momentarily blinded.

When I could see again the colt was being helped back inside, but he still stared at me, his gaze meaningful. Someone was saying nearby something about how he just leapt to his feet, couldn't be stop, and hurtled out here. They said he was a poor thing, he needed milk, they spoke of the other nursing mares in the Field.

"Taru," I whispered, for that was his name, though he had said it in no words.

And I stood up and walked after him, stood at the entrance to the stall they'd put him in, one with new, fresh bedding, thickly layered and warm. He was laying in it, his nose stirring a few pieces as he breathed. His eyes were shut and he was fast asleep. I stepped in and dropped to my knees, reaching out a hand to touch his soft, soft hair, felt his chest rising beneath my hind, and then falling.

"Taru," I whispered again and kissed his nose. It was time to say goodbye to Jerramine. I stood up and looked at the Heralds who stood around me and I pushed past them, back to the stall where Taru had been born. Jerri's body still lay there, birthing fluid reddening the straw. I knelt down my her head and pushed a piece of sweaty mane from her eyes, and then closed the lids over that dulled blue. _Goodbye_, I said to her, _I will always love you_.


End file.
